I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
