my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
