I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
