Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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