I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
