god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
