everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
lol hangovers are for mortals.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
