Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
