In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
