Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
