Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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