Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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