hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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