Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
