I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
