My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
