I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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