ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
