So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
