I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
