I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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