I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
