Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This girl is more easily done than said...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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