I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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