He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
