Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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