So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
