I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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