I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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