Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
