I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
