I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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