so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
