Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
