remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
