I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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