Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
