Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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