Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
