I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
