Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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