It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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