Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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