So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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