I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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