I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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