she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
