god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
