just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
