I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
